I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I won the penis lottery.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
