Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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