Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
