This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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