3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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