all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
