I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
