My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
