I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
