I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
