I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
