i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
