one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
