got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
