I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
