He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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