Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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