Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
