Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
