I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
