I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
