I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
