hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
