Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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