Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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