You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Text me some of your sweat
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
