you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
