Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
