Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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