Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
