yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
