I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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