I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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