my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
