I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
