John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
