He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
