I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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