I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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