I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
