I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
