I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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