just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
