I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
