My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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