Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
