Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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