why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we're making bets on your personal life
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
