He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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