wat bout pragnant strippers??
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
