zippers are such a cool invention
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
