You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
