i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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