i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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