I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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