just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
