Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
