My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
