Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
