your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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